A Stroll Through Tech Hell
Have you ever seen the Saturday Night Live bit about the computer technician working in a business office? He obviously works for the company and comes to help the hapless office cube prairie dogs with their non-functioning computers. A frustrated junior exec explains that he was just trying to print a document when the screen locked up and now nothing works. The computer tech has a perpetually snide look on his face and even meaner demeanor as he belittles the unfortunate soul with some completely unintelligible computer mumbo jumbo like “Well of course it won’t work! You tried to access a monochromatic printer on a P3P system with a page jacking monitor on the cache.” With that he almost throws the guy out of his desk chair, types in a few key strokes and says “Done”. Then almost as if he is scrapping the pitiable chap off the bottom of his shoe the tech moves on to save the next wretched employee from their computer hell. I don’t find too many opportunities to laugh at the newer SNL skits, but this bit always makes me chuckle. Not necessarily because it’s really funny, but more because it’s really true.
You can say this is the stereotypical computer tech but the stereotype is there for a reason. This insulting hunk of malevolent one-upmanship is absolutely every computer tech I have ever been unfortunate enough to depend on. It doesn’t matter if they work in the IT department of a major corporation or if they have a little private shop, their attitude is always the same. First you tell them your problem “Ummm, when I try to access the word processor program the screen turns blue and it says I need to reboot”. At that point he is likely to finally stop whatever it was he was doing and may actually look at you. Next comes the eye roll, followed closely by the look of “My God, how stupid can you be”. This is always followed by “Probably a virus.” If you explain that you doubt it’s a virus because you have an excellent virus protection program he will usually ask what kind you have. Don’t worry about the answer you give, because no matter what program you have, it’s the wrong one. If this conversation takes place regarding your personal computer at a private repair shop he will then tell you he is very busy but he will try to look at it by next Thursday. If the conversation is with a corporate IT guy he will tell you that he is very busy with some special upgrade project he is doing for the CEO and he will try to take a look at it by next Thursday.
And it doesn’t really matter if the guy you’re talking to repairs computers for a living or not. I have a few friends that have just enough computer knowledge to be dangerous. They are always quick to offer assistance to a particular problem but instead of coming to give assistance they usually just give me the same attitude as the professionals and then screw up my computer beyond repair. I have avoided calling any of my so called techie friends for a while since it rarely works out to my advantage. I guess I feel like a guy who goes to a dominatrix. If I’m going to have somebody abuse me and tell me I’m a worthless piece of crap I want to pay for the privilege, or be married to her.
This is truly the revenge of the nerds. These same guys who got their asses kicked as high school seniors by the Eighth Grade Catholic Girls Rosary Guild are now the most important cog in the cyber wheel. I don’t know why most of them have not seen a bottle of shampoo since Windows XP was in beta version, but maybe it has something to do with reducing the possibility of static shock. Nerd or not they rule the roost, and they know it. When I am feeling particularly vengeful I think about them in the computer cave they have created for themselves in their mother’s basement, playing dungeon and dragons and instant messaging each other about the girl with the big boobs who had the PEBCAK problem. If you’re chuckling right now you’re probably one of them.
As you may have guessed I was at the computer repair shop today. I hate when they look at me there like I don’t know anything about computers, mostly because outside of the solitaire program they are close to being correct. Here at BigFrick.com central I have a number of computers. Currently one of them is either broken or is trying to commit suicide. This particular computer would lock into the blue screen of death with the regularity of a Metamucil addict. I wrote down the message that displayed and used one of my other computers to check on the internet for suggestions. I found this was a registry error which could be fixed by purchasing a $40.00 piece of software. Outside of John Doe at a cheap motel I have no idea what a registry is, but I figured for forty bucks I would give it a shot. A pair of Andrew Jacksons and one software installation later I was able to clean up 3000 registry errors in the offending computer. I was feeling pretty proud of my computer prowess until about five minutes later when the same blue screen popped up. It had the same cryptic message on it but it may as well have just said “YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN ME – LESS THEN OR EQUAL TO.” After unsuccessfully trying everything I could think of to fix the problem, like swearing at it and hitting my forehead on the computer desk, I had to admit defeat. So with head down and a heavy heart I did the walk of shame into the local computer repair shop. These guys have done work for me before so I knew the impending routine. What I don’t know is if any part of what they tell me is the truth.
I am not a complete idiot when it comes to operating a computer. I have had a computer in my house for about 18 years. Thanks to advances in Windows idiot proof protections I rarely cause them to catch fire anymore. I even have friends that call me with questions about programs and how to operate them. But what makes its little binary heart happy and content so it does all the things it did when I first brought it home and what makes it sad enough to say “Screw it, I’m outta here” is completely beyond me. Similar to every relationship I’ve ever been in. It dawned on me that I have become totally depend on these magic boxes for just about every aspect of my life. Once again, similar to every relationship I have ever had. You would think I would learn a little bit regarding what it is that makes them work, at least the computer anyway.
As a teenager and young man I did all my own work on my cars. I brought them into the mechanic only for jobs that required special tools or advanced expertise. I have taken complete engines apart and put them back together, usually with only one or two “extra” parts when I was done. I am fairly confident, even with today’s advanced engines, that I can converse in a reasonable manner with the mechanic and understand what he is telling me. When it comes to my computers the tech can tell me he needs to replace the ziz wheel on the smoke grinder and I would have to believe him. Even the keyboard has areas that are foreign to me. I should really learn what the hell these F keys do. I know they’re shortcuts to doing stuff, but doing it the long way just doesn’t seem that time consuming.
That will be my 2009 New Years resolution, to learn more about the interworking of my computers. That way the next time I actually have to bring it into the shop I can tell the tech to stick his ziz wheel because I’ve already checked it and replaced the smoke grinder.
