Giving Thanks
I spend a lot of time in this blog commenting about issues from the mildly annoying to the flat out, full blown “you have got to be shittin me” stuff. If you didn’t know better one might think I had no gratitude at all. Nothing could be farther from the truth. As we celebrate a day dedicated to giving thanks I would like to share some of the things that make me eternally grateful.
I am grateful for Jimmy Carter. I spent several sleepless nights worrying about the direction this country would take under an Obama administration. But my mind was somewhat eased when I remembered that we had the most inept human being on God’s green acre serve a full term as our president. The fact that we still live in a free country with a functioning economy is a miracle, but it just goes to show, even if we need to boycott an Olympic game to prove our commitment to human rights , we are nothing if not a resilient nation. I’m still a little worried about where we may be headed in the next four socialism filled years, but remembering those happy times of double digit inflation, gas lines and 18% mortgage interest rates brought on by the anti-Semitic peanut farmer and I can still have hope that some way we will survive and recover. I wonder what Barack Beer will taste like?
I’m grateful for NASA. It only took a billion dollars but we now have unequivocal proof that there is some form of ice on Mars. What a great discovery. No longer are we pondering and debating if that cold red planet has the most important of the building blocks for a daiquiri. All those years of study. All those man hours of dedicated scientists and engineers finally paid off and we now have the answer. If, God forbid, anything happens to our ability to keep things chilled, or more importantly frozen, we have a Plan B we can go to. I imagine this will be a boon for grade school science books printers. All books will now have to be reprinted with this breathtaking updated knowledge and hopefully a picture or two. I’m really hopeful we can have NASA spend another billion or so looking for similar discoveries on Uranus.
I’m grateful for Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley’s latest ex-husband. Old Peter was spending around $3600 per month on internet pornography so he could get in the mood to have sex with Christie. I didn’t even know it was possible to spend $3600 a month on porn without dislocating your shoulder. He then went out and had an affair with an 18 year old book store clerk from the Hamptons. I saw Christie lately in the Direct TV commercial with clips of her from a scene of the 1983 National Lampoon Vacation movie and also from today. She is as remarkably beautiful today as she was 23 years ago. No matter what problems I have mentally, emotionally, physically or otherwise, I’m grateful I do not need $3600 dollars worth of porn to get in the mood to do the dirty hula with Christie Brinkley. I am also grateful to Peter and Christies other three ex-husbands for reminding me that no matter who the woman is or how good she looks somebody is sick of putting up with her bullshit.
I am grateful for the United Auto Workers Union and the United Steelworkers Union for showing me that it’s OK to live in the 60’s. People look askew at me when I respond to their “How are ya” with a firm and resounding “Groovy!” I like listening to the 60’s music on my satellite radio and watching old “Get Smart” episodes. But while I just enjoy watching my DVD collection of The Tonight Show from 1968 these union guys are actually still living there. They still talk and act as they did when they had the membership and muscle to bully their way through a negotiation. Listening to them talk brings back wonderful old memories of big Angela Davis afro hairstyles and Judy Carne dancing in a bikini on “Laugh In”. It almost makes me wishful that my robin’s egg blue polyester leisure suit would come back into style. Almost.
I’m grateful for Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Chris Dodd and all the Democrats who were able to infect the credit markets with their remarkably short sighted plan of inserting welfare into the mortgage system. These financial geniuses truly brought many of our middle class families closer together as they had to move from their 4 bedroom homes into 2 bedroom apartments. They took poor credit risk folks out of government subsidized housing and put them into what will soon be government subsidized mortgages. This will be a benefit to the middle class who won’t qualify for the mortgage assistance and will need the government subsidized housing. They created new business opportunities with the countless web sites that are now showing foreclosed properties. They also made first time home buyers happy, as long as they have cash and don’t need a mortgage, by destroying real estate prices and home equity. And they were able to do all this without getting any of the much deserved credit, those humble bunch of finger pointers.
I am grateful for the impact that this Democrat created credit collapse has had on the business sector and stock market. I no longer have to worry about how soon I will be able to retire. That consideration is long gone. Nor do I have to worry about how much the airfare is to my favorite vacation spots. I don’t have to worry that I do not have my 401K in the best performing mutual funds or if I should take any profits from my stock market investments. It also has relieved me of much of my consternation regarding what I am buying everybody on my list for Christmas. I only have to worry now about somebody stealing my refrigerator box from its prime spot on Lower Wacker Drive.
I am grateful for all the hand gun laws in the city of Chicago. It reminds me that, if at first you don’t succeed try, try again, 47 times. It’s a great comfort to know that the gang bangers, who are riding around in their cars shooting at other gang bangers, but usually hitting innocent bystanders, will get in a bunch of trouble if they get caught with a gun. I know these laws have no effect on them, but I am certain that passing them made the aldermen and women feel better. It’s comforting to know that no matter what the crime we are able to find an inanimate object to blame. It gives me hope that car manufacturers will get the message and come back with crank start automobiles that will be harder for drunk drivers to start.
I am grateful for McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King et al and their corporate commitment to creating obese children. Here I had thought it was a parent’s responsibility to monitor what their children were sticking into their pie hole, but apparently I was wrong. I couldn’t figure out how it could make sense for these corporate giants to be responsible for the ever expanding youth of America. Then it dawned on me. The fast food feeder’s have actiually come up with an ingenious plan to increase academic levels and decrease street crime through tubby teens. The fatter a kid gets the less active he becomes. Kids that just sit around trying to catch their breath are much easier to monitor and tutor. If somebody could come up with a video game that was fun and taught math and science we would be kicking Japan ass at the Academic Olympics in less than a generation. Plus oversized girth teens are less likely to put themselves in a position where they need to run from the police, or from anything else for that matter. And if they do try to run they can be easily caught by even the most out of shape cops. Plus fat kids are less likely to socialize so they are less likely to be in a street gang and more likely to be in the Baskin Robbins Flavor of the Month Club. The plan is simply genius. And all those year’s people looked down on me as a husky boy when in fact I was a trend setter that was just ahead of his time.
I am grateful for the Lohans, the Hiltons, the Kardashians, the Hogans, the Osbournes and all the other reality show families. They have shown me that the group of BigFrickettes that are heading to my house for the annual tryptophan endurance contest may not be as nuts as they could be. No doubt about it, we still put the fun in dysfunctional, but for the most part nobody is looking to cause any permanent physical damage or explaining how their sex video got leaked to a marketing group. We will sit around and bring up old embarrassing stories and try to top each other on who can tell the best one. We will revel in our time together and miss those that are not with us anymore or too far away to attend. But for all our faults and foibles we will be together, in person, in memory and in spirit. And for that I am truly, truly grateful.
