Dear Santa
Dear Santa (a.k.a. U.S. Congress)
How are you? We are fine. We hope you don’t think we are being greedy and we really are sorry that we have to ask, but our list is kinda big this year.
We have been very good this past year. We followed most of…. well OK some of the rules and made sure we supported all our union friends so they could stay organized and available to vote. As you are already aware of who has been naughty and who has been nice I’m sure you know who they voted for. It would be a shame if they didn’t vote like that for the mid-term election, wouldn’t it? We know they all like you Santa which is a good thing because some of those guys can hold a grudge for a very, very, very long time. If you know what we mean.
Anyway, even though we have been good it has been some tough sledding here lately. Some mean guys have been taking our market share and coming out with products that people seem to prefer over ours. I mean, come on Santa, how were we supposed to know that the days of low gas mileage and oversized vehicles was going to come to an end. We know you’re going to say that anybody who has been paying attention would have known that but we have always been able to tell people what it was they wanted and they used to listen. So you see Santa it’s not our fault, it’s just that the darn customers quit listening.
The mean guys have moved into places where there isn’t a lot of snow and also where there are not a lot of our union friends. We know you like the snow being from up north and we know you really like our union friends because they help keep you rolling in it. Snow wise and otherwise. These mean guys and their non-union friends have made it a very bleak Christmas this year. That’s why we are counting on you.
We are very sorry that we didn’t have much to say when we saw you last time. We were just not sure what to say. We had hoped we could sit on your lap like the old days and you would make suggestions. We would just nod our head, wide eyed and grinning, and then get a candy cane. We thought after all we have been through together that you would already know what it was we wanted. We didn’t know you were going to make us come right out and say it. But if that’s the way you want it, we can play along.
Santa we want billions and billions of dollars. Seeing as this isn’t really your money we figure you shouldn’t have such a tough time shelling it out. We know your helpers worked very hard to make this money in their little workshops all over the country. But we think if you play your cards right you can convince them that giving their money to us is actually in their best interest.
First you can blame that mean old Grinch George Bush. Most of your helpers will believe anything negative you say about him. Just say he’s trying to steal Christmas. Or better yet, try to tie the story somehow to the money that was spent in Iraq. Believe us Santa. Your little helpers have believed the bologna we have been feeding them about safety, economy, reliability and style for years. As soon as you mention Iraq your little helpers seem to lose the ability for cognitive thought and their eyes will roll up into their head. Just talk about government waste and corruption in Iraq and that way nobody will look at the waste and corruption at our little workshops in Detroit. It won’t make any difference that the two have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Just say Iraq as many times as you can and people will believe you.
We can call the money you give us a loan. It doesn’t matter if we are ever actually able to pay the loan back. We know you know how that works having been the leader in creating home loans that nobody could ever pay back. We can just keep renegotiating the terms of this loan until we are able to figure out a way to convince your helpers that it would be better for them to just forgive the debt. We know you can do it. We have seen you do it before. You can just explain that we are people who can afford to stay in business but can’t afford to pay their debts. It worked when you said it about home owners, and like a good football play, you just keep running it until somebody stops you.
Santa we need the money really, really badly, and we need it quick. But we are also including a second request on our wish list. We need you to recreate reality. We need you to make it so that we can continue to stay in business without having to actually compete in our marketplace. Along with the mean guys down south there are other mean guys from outside the country. They are all looking to take away our customers. They didn’t make the same promises we have made in the past so they don’t have the legacy costs, hourly wage structure or benefits cost that we do. We don’t want to have to file for bankruptcy to eliminate these costs so we were hoping you could make them go away. We promise that we will make a bunch of changes internally and we can talk at great lengths about the shared sacrifices we are willing to make. None of these changes will actually put us on a par with the mean guys as far as quality, value, style or dependability but it will look like we are trying and that should satisfy your helpers. At least until we come back and ask for some more money, which you will no doubt be inclined to give us to protect your helper’s initial investment.
How can you reinvent reality, you ask? It’s easy.
Just call it “Change”. Santa and Change seem to go well together in the world of reality.
Your Pals,
GM, Ford & Chrysler
a.k.a. The Detroit Disasters
