Okay. It’s All My Fault
The latest report out of Britain reminds me of any conversation I have with Mrs. Big Frick. I’m never sure how we are going to get there, but I’m pretty confident that whatever the problem is it will end up being my fault.
Such is the case study being reported by the British newspaper The Sun. The latest and greatest study by the world’s best and brightest scientific minds proves that global warming, the bane to our existence and possible squelcher of all life on this planet, is caused by(insert descending musical “dunt dunt dahhhh” here) ……………………Fat People!!!!
These hard working scientists have conclusively proven that fat people eat. They have also concluded that many of us are what you would call BIG eaters. This phenomenon of fat people eating causes increased food production which in turn causes more CO2 gas emissions warming the planet. It is my understanding the CO2 gas emissions are the byproduct of producing the food and not from us fat people digesting it. That is probably a whole other kettle of fish, so to speak, but I am certain it is worth a government grant to conduct a new study.
These brilliant scientists also discovered that fat people drive cars. Not only do we drive cars but we are more likely to drive cars than skinny people. This also adds to the deadly emissions threatening life as we know it on the planet. Once again it is my understanding that the emissions being cited are from the cars and not the drivers, although probably worthy of another government funded study as well.
The third and most chilling discovery is that fat people breathe. And not only do we breathe but apparently we breathe more than skinny people. Dr. Philip Edwards of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine said “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving a gas guzzler.” It is estimated that each tubby respirator is responsible for an additional ton of CO2 each year versus a skinny breather. The World Health Organization estimates this adds a billion tons of extra CO2 each year. If my math is correct that would mean the WHO is estimating a billion big eaters are lugging around their gas guzzling bodies. I’m surprised the planet can turn at all.
Dr. Edwards and his colleague Ian Roberts published this study in the International Journal of Epidemiology, following in the footsteps of Australian professor Paul Zimmet who predicted a disastrous obesity pandemic back in 2006.
Once this report reaches the masses there could be dire consequences faced by me and my blubbery brotherhood. I have already drawn the shades and dimmed the lights lest the townspeople where I live show up at my home holding wooden torches and shouting “PLANET KILLER”. I fear that activists will lay in wait outside fast food establishments waiting for a big eater. The poor unsuspecting tubby will walk up to the cash register expecting to order his double cheeseburger and large fry only to be doused with a can of Slim Fast by a marauding emaciate. Woe to those of us whose belt buckle cannot be seen or whose tank top was actually used at one time to cover a tank.
Having nowhere else to turn I have decided to create my own organization for the protection and advancement of the heftier humans inhabiting the earth. I will call it PET FART or People for the Ethical Treatment of Fatties And Rotund Tubbies.
Annual dues to PET FART will be payable by cash, check, chocolate or buy one get one free Dairy Queen coupons.
