Just Trying To Help
Thanks to the Democrats the recession is officially over!
Barack Obama could not have been more pleased to announce the “welcome news” that the latest report from the Commerce Department showed a respectable 3.5% growth in the countries third quarter GDP. Obama gleefully reported that this growth is “an affirmation that this recession is abating and the steps we’ve taken have made a difference.”
To be sure, 3.5% growth, the first growth since the second quarter of 2008, is a welcome change from the previous declines and under most circumstances would be cause for celebration. But a closer look at the numbers reveals just how cooked these books really are.
The GDP gain was mainly driven by an increase in consumer spending. Just about two thirds of the overall growth is attributable to the 3.4% rise in consumer spending versus the nearly 1% drop in the previous quarter. Most of that additional spending is related to the temporary increase in new car sales driven by the Cash for Clunkers program. The core inflation index slid from 2.0% in the previous quarter down to 1.4% indicating otherwise lackluster spending causing downward pricing pressure.
As Cash for Clunkers was a onetime program that added no new jobs and only stimulated a short burst of new spending the celebration currently being enjoyed by Obama and his minions in Congress will be short-lived indeed. That is of course unless the spend-happy Democrats are able to find some other suitable programs to artificially inflate the numbers.
As I am known far and wide as being a helpful kinda guy I have taken it upon myself to come up with some suggestions for the Democrats to consider. How about:
Dollars for Dog Fighting – As Rush Limbaugh will not be allowed to be even a minority owner of an NFL football team because of his conservative views, and as Michael Vick was welcomed back into the NFL after having been convicted of feloniously supporting a hideously cruel dog fighting ring, one can only draw the conclusion that dog fighting is a more acceptable past time than being conservative. As such, the government could get in on the new burgeoning market of allowing two dogs, which have been brutally abused since birth, to fight to the death by supporting the development of new and improved dog fighting techniques.
Funds for Felons – Forget about spending all that money on law enforcement trying to catch criminals after the fact by sending those who are considering major crimes a check before they break the law. Most offenders will be sated, at least until the money runs out, and therefore crime figures will be decreased allowing cities and towns to reduce their police forces. I am certain that this program could be easily sold to the public by showing how it will pay for itself in reduced police expense, overtime for all that nasty paperwork and court costs.
Denaros for Deadbeat Dads – Here is an opportunity to help one of the most misunderstood poverty groups in America. It is obvious that these poor runaway fathers don’t have the funds to support their children. Otherwise they would send their child support checks, right? This money will also help to stimulate the liquor and cheap hotel markets.
Money for Marijuana and Meth – Let’s be honest. No matter what, folks are going to do dope. Just ask any high school guidance counselor. This program, along with Funds for Felons, will help to further reduce crime by giving pot heads the necessary funds to not only buy their dope but also Twinkies, Oreos and in the case of the meth users, much needed dental implants.
Bucks for Big Screens – Seeing as the government obviously views watching television as an inalienable right through the free digital converter box program, would it not also be a right to view it on a big honking plasma screen TV. What’s the sense of having digital transmission if you have to watch it on a little screen? This will not only be a benefit to the big box appliance stores but will also be a direct benefit to Barack Obama as his voting base will be able to see him more clearly during his near-daily infomercials.
Currency for Coffee – Hey, at 4 bucks plus a cup if the government doesn’t step in soon with some support some of the 15 to 20 million barista’s currently pouring coffee in America could be forced to look for new careers.
Tender for Toddlers – No this isn’t a program where people actually sell their babies (although that may become an amendment at some point down the line). This would be a program where the government would begin sending welfare checks to people from the moment they are born. Why wait until they drop out of school and begin to have kids of their own. This way those who are hopelessly trapped in the liberal slavery of welfare can get used to waiting for the mailman for their support as soon as they are able to see out the window.
Cash for Condoms – This program speaks for itself. It is the very definition of a “stimulus” program and will certainly help see us through the hard times.
Well, those are just a few of my ideas. I hope they help.
