Big Frick Dot Com

“Power is the great aphrodisiac” – Henry Kissinger

If the Democrats stupid non-stimulating stimulus package has saved or created a million jobs then Tiger Woods playing a skins game with a bevy of skanky harlots from coast to coast is responsible for saving or creating twice that many.

Woods and his well publicized dalliances are, quite frankly, the most effective jobs program the country has going right now.

The sheer volume of news print, media air time and comedic intellectual property being dedicated to what would have once been viewed as unseemly is staggering.  In less than a week the total unceasing, 24 hour a day coverage being given to the “Tiger Woods Affair” has almost surpassed the overexposed media frenzy given to a now ex-president and the cherub in a blue dress he didn’t have sexual relations with.

Rag media photogs are busy snapping pictures of just about every cocktail waitress in Vegas and beyond in hopes of finding yet another heavily made up honey with a semi-convincing story about how she got her tattoo that reads “Tiger Slept Here”.  Editors and reporters are burning the midnight oil seeking anything that could be even remotely plausible.  Newspaper press operators are working overtime using millions of gallons of ink and tons of paper to prepare front pages designed to feed the breathless public its next dose of Tiger tragedy.  When you consider all the varied industries involved in getting this sad scandal out to the unwashed masses, the Tiger Woods Affair could actually have a measurable impact on the next national GDP report.

I wish I could speak as one who is above all the manic hoopla and chastise those who are insatiable for more of El Tigre’s dirty laundry, but alas, I am not.  It is not that I find solace in other’s failings or feel better about my own shortcomings by gloating of how the mighty have fallen.  I guess the slight upturn in the corner of my mouth is due solely to the unavoidable fact that payback is a bitch.

Woods has done some remarkable things in both his personal and professional life.  He is touted as the greatest golfer of all time and has achieved the lofty position of one of the most recognizable celebrities in the world.  He is personally responsible for the huge upsurge in golf’s popularity and has made boatloads of dollars for his corporate sponsors and for the deserving charities the PGA has partnered with.  He has become an industry unto himself and has personally donated mightily to his own and other charitable foundations.  But the sad realization of my own personal failing is that I find a sense of karmic justice in this whole sorted affair because of something he didn’t do.  And to make it even sadder it is for something he didn’t do many years ago.

It was in 1997 just after Tiger won his first Masters Tournament.  It is tradition that the winner host a dinner for all the previous winners at the next year’s event.   As the participants were exiting the iconic Augusta National clubhouse an obviously half inebriated Fuzzy Zoeller made what would become the worst joke of his long and storied jokester career.  After lauding praise on Woods for his incredible talent Zoeller told waiting reporters that when Tiger gets there “You pat him on the back and say congratulations and enjoy it and tell him not to serve fried chicken next year. Got it.” Zoeller smiled, snapped his fingers and then said “or collard greens or whatever the hell they serve.”  Was it crude?  Yes.  Was it in poor taste? Absolutely.  Was it politically correct?   Hell no.  But was it unusual for Zoeller to make crude jokes about most golfers on the tour?  Absolutely not.  As a matter of fact, Fuzzy Zoeller had a snide comment for just about everybody and in most cases the more odious the joke, the more the others enjoyed them.  It was just Zoeller’s way of making you one of the boys.  PGA Tour golfers would say it was almost like going to a Don Rickles show where you were disappointed if he didn’t make fun of you.  Never did anyone take offense.  Never, that is, until Tiger Woods.

 The press jumped on Zoeller’s comments and portrayed them as being racist.  Woods had the opportunity to make it all go away with a simple statement like “Fuzzy is not a racist” or “Hey, he makes fun of everybody”, but no.  Instead Woods jumped on the bandwagon and feigned personal injury by Zoeller’s obvious poor attempt at humor.  He did nothing but sit back and watch as Fuzzy was publically lynched by the media and lost all his sponsors, including K Mart and Dunlop.  Fuzzy dropped off the tour and was banished to an occasional appearance on the Seniors Tour.

It could have been so easy, but instead of doing what was right, Tiger made it about Tiger.  And isn’t that what this divorce attorney’s dream come true is all about as well?

I guess old habits die hard.