Fellow scientists, intergalactic enthusiasts, space travelers, time lords and Vulcan mind melders.

Naa Noo Naa Noo

Welcome to the regular NASA Conclusion Jump for Funding meeting. Please take your seats. We have a lot to cover.

We have a new and exciting discovery that, if we play our cards right, can be used to garner more funds for the important work we are doing. As you know, with all the recent government cash being given to such foolhardy programs as freeing up the credit market, the Detroit automaker bailout, support for national security, infrastructure rebuilding and the school lunch program, we are very concerned that our future funding may not allow us to continue to send hundreds of millions of dollars worth of space hardware on missions to far away planets to take pictures of dirt.

You may recall a few months ago we were able to state with almost limited certainty that our most recent Mars rover landing was approximately a partially complete success for the few weeks we were actually able to communicate with it. We were also able to state that it had found what appeared to be the very core to the creation of all known life, ice. Yes, we were able to conclude that because the rover had found and taken pictures of something that looked pretty icy we could state categorically there might almost be a possibility that there just could be some proof of the likelihood that at some point we could find there had maybe been some form of life on Mars. And if not life, at least the possibility of margaritas. I know we don’t normally speak in such certain terms but desperate times call for desperate measures, and we figured “hell if we can get them to believe in black holes we can get them to believe almost anything.”

We are now pleased to release a 2003 report that proves we not only are almost able to possibly say there is life on Mars but that there may possibly be burritos as well.

In 2003 our scientists using three land based telescopes were able to confirm that nearly 21,000 tons of methane gas had been released into the Martian atmosphere. We did not immediately publish this report because we were unsure of the origin of the methane. But after years of exhaustive study we are now able to conclusively say that Mars appears to have smelt it and that therefore it was Mars that most certainly dealt it. As we have no evidence of any celestial finger pulling it is unclear as to the exact genesis of the gaseous explosion. But as conclusive evidence has never been our strong suit we are now pleased to say, through our spokesman Michael Mumma that “This raises the probability substantially that life was there or still survives at present”. We are also pleased that Indiana University professor Lisa Pratt was able to address the press and say that it was “more plausible that the methane came from some form of life than geological changes”.

While it is true that we have absolutely no previous experience in dealing with methane gas on other planets we are comfortable enough with our earthly experience, where the leading cause of methane is as a byproduct of digestion, to say that this must be true for everywhere else in the universe as well.

While some might say it would be impossible to conclude that anything could emit a 21,000 ton fart of methane gas as a byproduct of digestion let me just say that you have never met my old college roommate Michael “Stinky” Berwick.

Plus, this discovery allows us the ability to request funding for a new more targeted mission to return to Mars. Our new $50 million rover will be designed to traverse the most dangerous terrain of the Martian landscape and enable us to further our theory that life was created on its own and that inanimate objects have the ability to animate themselves. Please pay no attention to the scientists that claim that this methane came from other sources like comets or meteors. As we are all aware, there is no money to be had in that theory.

We will be using some of our existing budget to fund a research group tasked with exploring a place where there is a copious amount of ice and methane gas. That is why we are pleased to announce a mission to Cancun. As the information we need may take several months to gather we probably won’t be holding our regularly scheduled meetings for the foreseeable future.

I’m sorry I won’t be able to answer any questions. I have a plane to catch.