Such is the case study being reported by the British newspaper The Sun. The latest and greatest study by the world’s best and brightest scientific minds proves that global warming, the bane to our existence and possible squelcher of all life on this planet, is caused by(insert descending musical “dunt dunt dahhhh” here) ……………………Fat People!!!!

These hard working scientists have conclusively proven that fat people eat. They have also concluded that many of us are what you would call BIG eaters. This phenomenon of fat people eating causes increased food production which in turn causes more CO2 gas emissions warming the planet. It is my understanding the CO2 gas emissions are the byproduct of producing the food and not from us fat people digesting it. That is probably a whole other kettle of fish, so to speak, but I am certain it is worth a government grant to conduct a new study.

These brilliant scientists also discovered that fat people drive cars. Not only do we drive cars but we are more likely to drive cars than skinny people. This also adds to the deadly emissions threatening life as we know it on the planet. Once again it is my understanding that the emissions being cited are from the cars and not the drivers, although probably worthy of another government funded study as well.

The third and most chilling discovery is that fat people breathe. And not only do we breathe but apparently we breathe more than skinny people. Dr. Philip Edwards of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine said “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving a gas guzzler.” It is estimated that each tubby respirator is responsible for an additional ton of CO2 each year versus a skinny breather. The World Health Organization estimates this adds a billion tons of extra CO2 each year. If my math is correct that would mean the WHO is estimating a billion big eaters are lugging around their gas guzzling bodies. I’m surprised the planet can turn at all.

Dr. Edwards and his colleague Ian Roberts published this study in the International Journal of Epidemiology, following in the footsteps of Australian professor Paul Zimmet who predicted a disastrous obesity pandemic back in 2006.

Once this report reaches the masses there could be dire consequences faced by me and my blubbery brotherhood. I have already drawn the shades and dimmed the lights lest the townspeople where I live show up at my home holding wooden torches and shouting “PLANET KILLER”. I fear that activists will lay in wait outside fast food establishments waiting for a big eater. The poor unsuspecting tubby will walk up to the cash register expecting to order his double cheeseburger and large fry only to be doused with a can of Slim Fast by a marauding emaciate. Woe to those of us whose belt buckle cannot be seen or whose tank top was actually used at one time to cover a tank.

Having nowhere else to turn I have decided to create my own organization for the protection and advancement of the heftier humans inhabiting the earth. I will call it PET FART or People for the Ethical Treatment of Fatties And Rotund Tubbies.

Annual dues to PET FART will be payable by cash, check, chocolate or buy one get one free Dairy Queen coupons.

It has become apparent that the hallowed halls of academia and others in the corporate world have begun to catch on to what Richard Simmons, Jenny Craig and Susan Powter knew years ago. There’s money in a fat mans jiggle. As I watched football on Thanksgiving, eating chips and dip whilst waiting for a turkey the size of a Toyota Prius to finish cooking, I was struck by the number of advertisements from the NFL regarding their fight against obesity. I found it to be almost ironic that a sports organization that employs the services of some of the biggest men on earth (can you say William “Refrigerator” Perry) would chose this particular affliction as the focus of their attention and donation dollars. But as obesity has become the new public awareness fad, the NFL has come out with the “Play 60” program which urges kids to get outside and play at least sixty minutes a day.

Northwestern University just announced what they consider to be a major initiative in “addressing a local and national health epidemic.” The University’s Feinberg School of Medicine just opened a center to research the causes of obesity and find new ways to treat it. The Northwestern Comprehensive Center on Obesity will focus on treatment, research, education and advocacy. Scores of other government agencies and corporate sponsors are jumping onto the obesity band wagon. Are they doing this to save us fatsos from ourselves or could it be that there is some money to be made or research grant dollars to be had?

Do we really have an epidemic of obesity? Is obesity sweeping the nation like a plague spreading its pestilence amongst the unsuspecting youth and adult population of America? Do we need major well respected universities studying the cause of people getting fat? I am not a doctor, but speaking as one who has been severely stricken by this affliction of tight pants and busting buttons I must ask, are you freaking kidding me?

To be sure, there are a number of people who suffer from some sort of metabolic or glandular problem that causes them to be fat. But that number is only a small fraction of those of us who waddle the streets of America in search of a lit “Hot Now” sign at the local Krispy Kreme. The cause of obesity in the majority of those of us with expandable waist pants is that we eat too much of the wrong stuff. The reasons for this self-destructive behavior vary, but perhaps the biggest reason is that ice cream tastes better than a carrot and kelp salad.

Over the course of my life I have lost and regained the combined weight of the population of Rhode Island. I look at that as a success in that Rohde Island is the smallest state in the union. There are those that have weight variances equal to much larger states. The range of excuses we use for our weight gain are as expansive as our underpants. But deep down most of us know the cause our heft is only as far-reaching as our dominant eating hand.

I think the NFL’s “Play 60” program is designed to help this billion dollar organization satisfy their community service commitment rather than have any real or lasting effect on America youth. I don’t see them pulling their licenses from football related video games. The reality is that they can spend a fraction of what they make licensing video games that allow kids to be couch potatoes on commercials that tell kids to quit playing them and still be money ahead. Plus they get the added benefit of the PR in stating they are addressing the problem. Much like a nosy neighbor with no children, it’s not the NFL’s place to direct our kids on how to spend their free time. It’s up to the parents of guardians to turn off the TV and kick the kid’s ass out the door.

Northwestern University has apparently caught on that obesity could be as profitable to their big bottom line as global warming. They should be able to strong arm most of the fast food chains into making super sized donations to help subsidize their research. The FDA and other health and welfare agencies in the federal and state governments will be there with the taxpayer’s checkbook to fund research as well. If they play their cards right they could also get matching funds from the Granola Growers Co-op and the National Green Bean Consortium. The National Cattleman’s Association will donate along with pig and chicken farmers. Any food related organization with a public relations department will want to make sure they get some favorable public sentiment from the sponsoring of this research and a favorable appraisal in the results. Exercise equipment manufacturers and sports related clothing and shoe makers will want in on the action too. Without a doubt “Lean” could become the new “Green” in the corporate world of advertising.

Years of research and tens if not hundreds of millions of dollars will be spent to discover the cause, affect and treatment of portly cheeseburger connoisseurs. The wide end result will remain the same. If you eat too much of the wrong stuff and don’t get your fat ass out of the chair you will get fatter. We don’t need new weight loss diets. Honest to God, the ones we have work just fine. The Atkins diet works like a champ, except that all that protein with very little fiber turns ones daily constitutional into a real sweat breaking work out. I actually consider that the exercise portion of the diet. Jenny Craig works if for no other reason than you don’t have any money left to buy fattening food. The best diet by far is Weight Watchers. They have it broken down so even the simplest tubby can follow it. You can count food points or you can eat all you want from a group of core foods. But just as these diets work every time in losing weight, going off the diet and returning to your old eating habits works every time in putting it back on.

It breaks my heart to see really fat little kids. I want to yell at them to “put down the spoon and back away from the Hagen Das.” But if nobody with authority in their lives is willing to step up to the responsibility plate then no amount of research is going to help. Maybe that’s where Northwestern University and the other big names in education should be looking to invest their research dollars. How about creating the Center for Taking Personal and Parental Responsibility? The problem is that there are very few corporate sponsors for that research. Do you think McDonalds is going to have TV commercials that say “Friends don’t let friends eat a Double Quarter Pounder value meal with an extra fry”? Or is Dairy Queen going to end each commercial with the caveat “Eat Responsibly” or have special commercials about the effects of brain freeze?

And promoting personal responsibility is the last thing the government wants to do. No politician would be able to keep his fat ass in power if people took responsibility over themselves or their children. We would have no need for gun laws, or mandated sex education. Pick a law and see if a little personal responsibility wouldn’t make that law unnecessary.

Being fat is no treat. Ahhhh, but a big banana split Blizzard, that’s another story.