There is even a great story to go along with the tradition. The original trophy resembled a cigar store Indian. It was created by the staff of the U of I school newspaper in 1945. Northwestern won the trophy in 1946, but it was stolen from their display case and never found or returned. Come on, what’s the use of having a traveling trophy if you can’t get some drunk frat members from Delta Tau Chi House to come over and steal it? It would be nice to think that the original was sitting proudly someplace on a second or third generation Bluto Blutarsky basement wet bar, and anyone who inquired about it would get the whole story about how the frat boys distracted the custodian with a couple of sorority sisters while Bluto and D-Day made off with the little fellow. But the reality is it probably has long since lost its identity and either gave up the ghost to a recycling furnace or is holding open the screen door of a Wisconsin Dells cottage.

The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk replaced the kidnapped Indian in 1947 and has swung (pun intended) back and forth ever since. That is until November 22nd, 2008 when it was retired forever. Not a well deserved retirement having outlived its usefulness or desirability. No, this is a forced retirement having outlived its ability to survive a convoluted sense of political correctness.

Last year the U of I retired its long time icon Chief Illiniwek. “The Chief” had been at the center of a controversy that raged for over a decade. Anyone who ever attended a U of I football game can attest to the reverence which was placed on and given to “The Chief”. But it didn’t matter. A few American Indians complained saying they found the icon to be racist and stereotypical. Eventually this PC cavalry prevailed in getting the university to send “The Chief” to the icon happy hunting ground.

This year it was the NCAA board that directed the university to remove any and all imagery related to American Indians. I use the term American Indians rather than Native Americans because in fact their ancestors migrated here from someplace else so to me they hold the same immigrant status as everybody else. The fact that they got here days, weeks or years prior doesn’t change that fact. But in a remarkable showing of disregard for the majority wishes and common sense the board mandated the symbols removal and in the tradition of Sitting Bully threatened to enforce their rule with a ban on post season play if the school refused to abide. Sounds to me like board heap big jerk wad.

How can people associated with the hallowed halls of higher education be so unequivocally devoid of the common sense necessary to scratch their own ass? I have a few questions for these collegiate cretins.

First, have you ever been to an Indian casino? These betting palaces are chock full of over the top stereotypical displays all designed to lure busloads of senior citizen pale faces to try their luck allowing the tribe to win back their wampum twenty five cents at a time. I visited one a few years ago that had signs posted in the tribes native language with captions in English so non-Indian speakers could understand such historic Indian words and phrases as Craps Table, High Limit Slots and Snack Bar. The University of Illinois never allowed its icon or trophy to be used in such a cheap commercial manner. How is it less offensive to have a fiberglass buffalo slot machine where you pull down his tail and quarters shoot out of his ass? Okay, so I made that one up. But you have to admit it would be worth a couple bucks to try it.

My second question is where does it stop? The tomahawk is nothing more than a primitive tool and weapon. Do we now ban the Purdue Boilermakers from carrying their hammer? Or the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks from carrying their ax? Are we now going to tell the Leprechaun from Notre Dame he had better put his dukes down? Or Sparky the Sun Devil from the University of Arizona to put down his pitch fork?

It’s complete lunacy. The few people who complained were simply in need of something, anything, to be offended by. The argument they used is that it would be offensive if it were some comical black face character and that use of Indian symbols is no different. That argument is a bigger stretch then Churchill Downs. The name of the team is the University of Illinois Fighting Illini. It’s based on a real tribe. The Chief and all the symbols were always treated with respect. You would find it impossible to compare that to the Buttermilk State Aunt Jemima’s.

And what of the other icons and mascots throughout the college sports world. This country is just loaded with folks who can’t wait to be offended and more importantly file a grievance so that everybody knows they’re offended. I can see in the future:

All bird mascots will need to be set free so as not to upset anyone in the Audubon Society.

All dog mascots will have to be spayed and neutered so as not to upset the ASPCA or Bob Barker.

All cat mascots will need to be allowed to scratch furniture and piss on everything because cat owners are just nuts.

Arkansas will have to lose Boss Hogg and Sue E. Pig the Razorbacks as they could be construed as racist being as they are the other white meat.

Even though Brutus Buckeye is from a tree his name could offend the sight impaired so he gets picked.

As angels and devils are religious symbols they will need to be changed to insure no comingling of church and state.

Oregon State’s Benny the Beaver could be found offensive to the members of NOW or just about any other women’s organization.

Knights in armor will need to be replaced so as not to offend pacifists’, serfs or anybody named Lance.

If American Indians are looking for something to be offended by how about all the cowboys, cavalry or the Oklahoma Sooners covered wagon. Seeing that covered wagon ought to give you a twinge not Chief Illiniwek.

All bugs including the University of California banana slugs and bees, including the yellow jackets and hornets will need to be swatted so as not to upset Entomology majors. As always wasps will be found to be racist.

And finally:

The United States Military Academy or Army will need to replace their mascots which are a group of asses, so as not to offend the Board of the NCAA.