That’s all. I just wanted you to know that I’ve been thinking. I guess my question is would you like to join me? Oh, I know you think you’ve already been thinking. But if you have indeed been thinking then what in the hell were you thinking? It’s pretty obvious that what I’ve been thinking and what you’ve been thinking is some pretty different kind of thinking, I think. Let me give you some examples.

Hey “Larry Flint Jr.” in Fayetteville, Arkansas, you thought it would be a good idea to take naked pictures of your wife and put them on your cell phone. The problem was you forgot your cell phone at the local McDonalds. Now those pictures of the little Missis are floating all over the internet. So in order to make up for your stupidity and ease your shame you thought it would be a good idea to sue the McDonalds for $3,000,0000. That’s what you’ve been thinking.

I’m thinking you’re an idiot and McDonalds should sue you and the Fayetteville police should arrest you for leaving pornography in their restaurant where little kids could see it. I have not seen the pictures of Mrs. Dummy, but I have seen pictures of some pretty good looking naked women, taken by professional photographers, in a studio with high quality camera gear and lighting. I know they don’t make but a few grand for the whole photo spread. Now that little sweetie you’re married to may be the apple of your eye, but I seriously doubt she is top quality naked model material. And even if she is drop dead gorgeous, what makes you think the poorly lit, out of focus snap shot you took on your Verizon 650 cell phone is worth 3 million bucks? For the embarrassment? I’m thinking if she is letting you take the pictures and carry them around on your phone and you’re doing it, most of the folks you know already are aware that you’re an idiot so there should be no embarrassment. Relax Sparky, the internet is loaded with pictures of naked women so the internet cruising husbands of the other soccer moms in Fayetteville will be looking at someone else’s pictures in a few days. I’m thinking you need to learn your lesson and keep your phone in your pocket from now on. And Mrs. Dummy, I’m thinking you might want to just say “Naw, that don’t sound like a real good idea” the next time old Ansel Adams gets his cell phone out in the bedroom.

Hey Anchorage Daily News you were thinking you would bag yourself a real coup just like the big boy news outlets when you had your cameras set up to show turkeys being slaughtered in the background of a Sarah Palin interview after she performed the annual pardoning ceremony of one turkey.

I’m thinking that it was never your intent to cover a story but that this was part of your ongoing campaign to sully Governor Palin. I think your recent editorials, including one blaming her for falling oil prices, make it obvious your cameras were set up for that express purpose. Your camera crew probably popped a little stiffy because they thought they were so cleaver in directing and focusing their cameras so as to intentionally shoot the turkey slaughter going on in the background as the Governor spoke. I’m thinking they probably got back in their 1978 Ford Econovan and couldn’t wait to call the office, once they were able to get a cell signal, to tell the boss that they had just duped the former VP candidate. The only problem is that Governor Palin is no longer the VP candidate and probably couldn’t care less what folks outside of Alaska think. She was there as the Governor to promote a local business and perform an annual ritual that most governors in meat eating states perform. Governor Palin is a woman who can field dress a moose at 6:00 AM in her pajamas while making breakfast and still not overcook the eggs. I doubt a few gobblers getting their heads chopped off is something that would make her recoil. Your efforts to embarrass her only made her more attractive to a host of red blooded, turkey eating, macho pigs like me. I’m thinking the next time you cowards are thinking about chocking your chicken you should let that turkey guy in the video take care if it for you. He’s got all the equipment right there, and after all this negative publicity and attention you’ve created with your little stunt I’m thinking he would love to see you tooling the old Econovan back up his driveway.

And hey, to all you folks who were so shocked and incensed that you had to leave your comments on all the internet sites showing the video. You were thinking you would be so clever and join in on the gang tackle of Governor Palin by making comments about how stupid she was or how cruel she was to just stand there while those birds were being sent to that big turkey trot in the sky.

I’m thinking it was the week before Thanksgiving which just might make it a busy time at the old turkey round up. I’m also thinking that you must be so dim-witted that you think the Butterball on your Thanksgiving table was born without a head and grew up with his neck and giblets in a little paper bag. Or I’m thinking you can sit down and enjoy that delicious taste treat of a tofu turkey. Mmm Boy, there’s nothing like a good piece of soy bean curd to bring out all the Norman Rockwell-like goodness of a Thanksgiving feast. With your level of in depth thinking power I’m not really very interested in your opinion of the video or Sarah Palin. I’m thinking the governor knows what happens at a farm that raises any kind of livestock and is not shocked to find out that turkeys don’t come from the Turkey Fairy. Let the governor go back to running the largest state in the union. I’m thinking you can just go back to your chat room.

And Finally…….

Hey Jim Robinson, Director of the United Steel Workers Union District 7, when ArcelorMittal notified your union that they were planning on laying off 2444 of your hourly dues payers this coming January you were thinking that you could dictate the number of layoffs you would accept and the terms. You were thinking you could show off your really big stick by letting your members and the news media know that any talk about numbers was “premature”. You also thought it would make you sound wise to expound on government bail outs to “investment bankers and CEO’s” and said that the government had better “start acting on behalf of average middle-class American workers”.

I’m thinking this hard line, no mentality approach is what got most of the unionized American businesses in trouble in the first place as they tried to compete in a world market. I’m thinking that you need to read a paper or watch the news and see that this is a global recession and is affecting steel mills all over the world. I’m thinking you should be grateful that ArcelorMittal is looking at how they can best weather this storm and remain in business so they can hire back your dues payers when conditions improve as opposed to just closing the mills and moving the work out of the country. As ArcelorMittal is the world’s largest steel company with steel mills all over the globe and is leveraged to the max it could easily say to hell with the Harbor Region of Indiana and shutter those mills forever. I’m also thinking that your comment about money going to investment banks may sound good echoing through the old union hall, but the reality is if the investment banks fail ArcelorMittal will have no way to finance their operations or pay their billions of dollars worth of debt, and once again, will have to sell off assets or simply close. I’m thinking the time for unions to dictate what they will and won’t accept is long since passed. Maybe it’s your job with the union that you’re worried about because in order for anybody to work at ArcelorMittal that company has got to stay in business, I think.

Like I said, if the world has been thinking, it sure ain’t thinking what I’m thinking. Except one.

Hey Nissan, you were thinking that times are tough and you had better take a close look at all your expenses. You were thinking that in order to save dough you would pull out of the Chicago and Detroit Auto Show. You did some thinking and said it would be nice to be at those shows and show off your products, but on an advertising dollar for dollar basis how many people would come to the show to look at the pretty cars, which makes you no money, and how many are coming to actually make a buying decision. You were thinking if you would control costs like the few million these shows cost you might have more money to keep hourly folks working. Those hourly folks are thinking that they really appreciate that. They’re also thinking their glad they don’t have to pay dues to the UAW or work for the Detroit disasters that would never have the mental acuity to think about saving money on expenses.

Hey Nissan. Now you’re thinking!!!!!

They say, whoever the hell “they” are, that the only things in life that are inevitable are death and taxes. I disagree. There are a few more. For instance:
· If you jump into the water you’re going to get wet.
· If I gain another 6 pounds I will actually begin to create my own gravitational pull.
· If you run a business with lousy service and a lousy business plan you’re going to go broke.
· If you work for a really lousy business and you continually make unrealistic demands that price your services out of competition with the world market and still consider yourself to be irreplaceable you will lose your job.

Such is the case with the Big Three Automakers and the United Autoworkers Union. The Detroit disasters and the union that controls them were seated before the Democrat controlled House Financial Services Committee chaired by the inane economist Barney Frank. It seems only fitting that Congressman Frank would chair this meeting as he was the one who, as both chairman and minority leader, started this whole mess with the infection of the credit markets through the viral carrier Fannie May and Freddie Mac.

I have recently owned Chrysler, Ford and GM products and could give you a litany of customer disservice stories and product performance nightmares of several crapmobiles, but I believe I could not give a better example of complete business ineptness than was exemplified by the comments of GM CEO Rick Wagoner and others to this august committee.

As the auto industry giants and union autocrats sat before the committee, lips pursed to suckle once again off the government teat, committee member Paul Kanjorski from Pennsylvania asked how much money would be needed just to keep GM’s nose above water until March 30, 2009. In a keen display of his in depth business acumen Mr. Wagoner said “Huh, I dunno”. When asked when their current supply of cash would run out, neither Wagoner or Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli could answer with anything more definitive than to say it would be by the end of this year or sometime early next year. How could you come before this committee claiming your very survival was dependent on the outcome and be completely unprepared to answer these two very basic questions?

Is it possible that these guys did not want to get pinned down to a number or a date, or are they really that dim? To sit before Congress and ask for “a loan” to supposedly save your ass from bankruptcy and not know how much money it will take or when the drop dead date is that you need it is almost beyond comprehension. Perhaps this is why these guys are before Congress and not the First National Bank – Bank President:“Yes Mr. Wagoner, we would be interested in discussing a loan with you. How much would you like?” Rick Wagoner: “Huh, how much you got?”

It’s no wonder that the UAW has been able to fleece these guys at a game of 3 Card Monty every four years or so. And as for the union, with everything that was being said about the immediacy of the situation, the possibility of the businesses failing or being forced into bankruptcy, when asked if the union would consider renegotiations of their contracts union chief Ron Gettelfinger said “The UAW can’t be the low hanging fruit. While we’re at the table, we’re asking that others come in and sacrifice as well”. Hey Ron, guess what!! The fruit is usually hanging pretty low on a dead freaking tree.

How can anybody take this whole scenario seriously? I keep waiting for Allen Funt to come out from behind a curtain and say “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera”. On one side of the table you’ve got Barney Frank, the chief architect of the credit disaster, as chairman. Plus you have questions and comments by committee member Maxine Waters who defended actions of the rioters and looters who caused tens of millions of dollars in damage during the 1992 LA riots as acceptable, describing them as baby mama’s who used the opportunity to take some milk, bread and shoes. She also told oil company executives that she was going to fight for socialism and get their oil refineries taken over by the government.

On the other side you’ve got the CEO’s who flew to Washington in their private jets to ask for money, but they don’t know how much or when they need it. And a UAW chief who doesn’t think his dues payers should have to sacrifice unless the companies which are going out of business sacrifice as well. In the immortal words of Lloyd Bridges “Bad week to quit sniffing glue”.

The numbers being bantered about regarding the possible failure of these companies are also pretty questionable. I received an e mail from GM outlining some of the basics on why I should support government intervention. It also included a web site set up by GM to further explain their position. It would have been nice had they been this corporately proactive with their new car customer service. I salute them for the money they spent creating this public relations campaign so they can get money. For a company that doesn’t have the math skills to identify what it will cost the taxpayers to save them from the grave they are pretty well informed as to what it would cost the taxpayers if we don’t. GM explains that 1 in 10 jobs in America depend in US automakers. Nearly 3 million jobs are at risk. US personal income would be reduced by $150 billion. Tax revenue lost in the first 3 years would be $156 billion. While these are pretty ominous numbers they are partially misleading and only accurate if a number of very unlikely things happen.

The 1 in 10 number may be true but it paints dependence with a fairly broad brush. Dealers, mechanics, parts suppliers, steel makers, tire manufacturers, etc. can continue to conduct business with automakers outside of Detroit. Personal income would only be reduced by $150 billion if the people that are affected do not get other jobs. And the $156 billion loss of tax revenue is actually all inclusive of state local and federal taxes and fees and increased unemployment and health care costs. This is only true if these employees stay unemployed and nobody buys a non-Detroit car.

Today’s was truly an historic meeting. At no time in the history of mankind has more stupidity been in one place at the same time outside of a Keanu Reeves birthday bash. I can only imagine that the vortex of idiocy was so strong that just passing by the meeting room in the hallway could leave you unable to define what is is.

It is inevitable that businesses like this, run by people that are so completely clueless, with a work force that elects and supports union leaders that are so totally out of touch with reality, must fail. I don’t like it. While I have no personal stake in it I can say I hate it. As a proud capitalist I don’t want to believe that these former all-star companies have sunk this low. But none of that matters. As surely as I will soon have moons circling me in an elliptical orbit, business run this poorly have no choice but to die. The problem is when you’re this dumb somebody may need to tell them to lay down.

As I asked before, how could you come before this committee claiming your very survival was dependent on their decision and be completely unprepared to answer a question as to how much you need and how quickly? Beyond reluctance or brainlessness there is a third possibility. Could it be that the only people who thought this was a real hearing were the spectators? Could this hearing have been for entertainment value only with the outcome already guaranteed? Was this staged like a professional wrestling match where the good guy Prince Congressman roars with indignant anger giving the crowd something to cheer about before the bad guy Automan comes up with some last minute stunt to win the championship? Did the UAW deliver the goods on November 4th and have some further mail to carry for the next mid-term elections?

Maybe I’m the one that’s slower than a 74’ Chevy Vega with the air conditioner turned on.

Sorry about that. I was just watching some old Democrat campaign commercials. All these gloom and doom predictions from the liberal leftist snake oil salesmen, selling imported snake oil, make it appear that our only hope for salvation from complete collapse is to heave billions of dollars at the terminally ill manufacturing sector. The recent salvo started in September when the Democratic controlled Congress approved $25 billion in “low interest loans” to be given to those beacons of progressive American manufacturing; the union controlled Big Three automakers. It has progressed from there to the point where that patron saint of the working man, Barney Frank, will hold hearings with the United Autoworkers Union big wigs and the CEO’s of these Detroit disasters to see how much more taxpayer tithing it will take to keep them all happy Democrats. But I have a suggestion for old Barn’. Instead of inviting the automakers CEO’s to this soiree; why not invite their Six Sigma black belts?

To be sure our manufacturing sector is facing some strong competitive headwinds blowing out of just about every industrially developing nation. Couple this with a looming global recession that does indeed have fewer people buying fewer things, and you end up with some very shaky forecasts. Manufacturing jobs in the United States have been on the decline. But the reality is that the number one focus of manufacturing is to reduce the number of man hours it takes to produce a manufactured product. If manufacturing is to survive in this country, and it will, it must look at cost reductions in absolutely every area available, including personnel.

Technology has played a huge part in the reduction of old fashioned manufacturing jobs. The days of a journeyman punch press operator who was missing three fingers but still able to tweak his machine to make less than perfect material turn out a nearly perfect part are gone. It’s all about speed and quality in today’s manufacturing environment. The standards have been raised for the raw material going in as well as the inspection level of the finished parts coming out. Computerized equipment is now doing in minutes what it took crews of employees hours to do in the past. Companies are investing huge sums of money in this equipment with the sole purpose of increasing profits through reduced man hours and increase quality.

The Detroit auto industry has been demanding and receiving price reductions from their suppliers on an annual basis since General Motors was a Corporal. They have told their suppliers who they can buy from, what they will pay for it and how much profit they can make. They have insisted their suppliers build facilities in other countries and who they will form joint ventures with in still more. They have, for the most part, completely taken over their suppliers businesses and much like their own run many of them into bankruptcy. The price reductions they have received have been used to improve profit margins not to reduce the selling prices of their ill conceived and ill received new models. It’s has not been a price per part issue that has caused these legendary companies to become legendary failures. So how does throwing money at a bad business plan make sense? It doesn’t, that’s where the Six Sigma team comes in.

Six Sigma is a problem solving process used by most successful manufacturers. The important word in that last sentence was the word process. It forces a process of discovery that eliminates jumping to conclusions and prevents spending time and money on solutions that will not solve the root cause of the problem. The process is taught in classrooms and applied on shop floors. One involved in this program advances through each stage of development and if successful receives what is known as a belt, very similar to the belts awarded in the martial arts. Black is the highest ranking color of belt but there are even more advanced ranks within the black belt level. Just make the mistake of referring to some QC guy as a black belt if he is in fact a double black belt and you will immediately be made aware of the Six Sigma pecking order.

The guiding acronym of Six Sigma is DMAIC. Had this process been developed by some savvy entrepreneur I’m and certain he could have come up with a catchier acronym like DAISEY or DUMMY, but DMAIC is what we got. It stands for Define, Measure, Analyze, Improve, and Control.
Define – why is the issue a problem, Measure – what is the problem, Analyze – what is the root cause of the problem, Improve – What will be done to fix the problem, Control – verify the fix.

Six Sigma demands that problems be turned into numbers, if you can’t turn the problem into a number than you don’t know enough about the problem. It takes all this raw information and funnels it down like a hillbilly still so only a few drops come out the other end. It forces participants to abandon preconceived ideas and focus on all possibilities. As it relates to the auto industry, so far nobody has been willing to realistically analyze the problem much less been able to quantify it. The problem is not that GM, Ford and Chrysler may go into bankruptcy; the problem is what drove them there. It certainly wasn’t their cars because nothing and nobody is driving those. But unless the root cause is fixed you can expect to continue the merry-go-round of endless hearings followed by shamed union and car executives promising to do better followed by government concessions and agreements to give them more money followed by impassioned calls for new hearings because they are about to go broke again.

The future of manufacturing in America lies in our ability to do things better not necessarily cheaper than our competition or with limitless government financial support. Six Sigma and Lean Manufacturing are just two examples of how manufacturers improve their processes to increase competitiveness. Over the past 12 months many OEM manufacturers have actually moved manufacturing work back from overseas suppliers. This was not done in patriotic support of American manufacturing. It was done because it made financial sense to do so. Much like the recent spike and drop in gasoline prices, Congress cannot control supply and demand markets, regardless of how much money they throw down the hole trying.

It will be interesting to see if anybody mentions cost per man hour or production levels per man hour of the Detroit facilities versus the transplant facilities down south. It will be interesting to hear how the Union will justify the American taxpayers picking up the benefits and legacy costs of their dues payers. It will be interesting to hear how the CEO’s justify the American taxpayers hard earned dollars paying for their years of bad business decisions and worse union concessions. It will be interesting to hear if anybody on the Congressional side of the table asks the “backbone of America” car makers how much of their cars are actually made in America.

In Barney Frank the automakers have found a man that never met a problem he couldn’t make worse by injecting welfare. In the automakers Barney has found folks more willing to be injected than John Kerry at a Botox clinic. The problem is after it’s over, much like John Kerry, the taxpayers will find it impossible to smile.